-
Now (to
forebare for ever solittle of
Iris Trees and
Lili O'Ran-
gans), concerning the genesis of
Harold or
Humphrey Chimp-
den's occupational
agnomen (we are back in the
presurnames
prodromarith period, of course
just when
enos
chalked halltraps)
and discarding once for all those theories from older sources which
would link him back with such pivotal
ancestors as the Glues, the
Gravys, the Northeasts, the Ankers and
the Earwickers of Sidles-
ham in the Hundred of Manhood or
proclaim him offsprout of
vikings who had founded wapentake
and seddled
hem in
Herrick
or Eric, the best authenticated
version, the
Dumlat, read the
Reading of Hofed-ben-Edar,
has it that it was this way. We are
told how in the beginning it came to pass
that like cabbaging
Cincinnatus the
grand old gardener was
saving daylight under his
redwoodtree one sultry
sabbath afternoon, Hag
Chivychas Eve,
in prefall paradise peace by following his
plough for rootles in the
rere garden of
mobhouse,
ye olde
marine hotel, when royalty was
announced by runner to have been
pleased to have halted itself on
the highroad along which a
leisureloving
dogfox had cast
fol-
lowed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack
of
cocker spaniels.
For-
getful of all save his vassal's plain
fealty to the ethnarch Humphrey
or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle
but stumbled out hotface
as he was (his sweatful
bandanna loose from his
pocketcoat) hast-
ing to the forecourts of his
public in topee,
surcingle,
solascarf and
plaid, plus
fours, puttees and bulldog boots
ruddled cinnabar with
flagrant
marl, jingling his
turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid
the fixed pikes of the hunting
party a high perch atop of which a
flowerpot was fixed
earthside
hoist with care. On his
majesty, who
was, or often feigned to be,
noticeably longsighted from green
youth and had been meaning to inquire what,
in effect, had caused
yon
causeway to be thus
potholed, asking substitutionally to
be
put wise as to whether
paternoster and
silver doctors were not
now more fancied bait for
lobstertrapping honest
blunt
Harom-
phreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a
fear-
less forehead: Naw,
yer maggers,
aw war jist a
cotchin on thon
bluggy
earwuggers. Our
sailor king, who was
draining a gugglet
of obvious adamale,
gift both and gorban, upon
this, ceasing to
swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his
walrus moustaches and
indulging that none too genial
humour which William the Conk
on the spindle side had inherited
with the hereditary whitelock
and some shortfingeredness from his
greataunt Sophy, turned to-
wards two of his retinue of
gallowglasses,
Michael,
etheling lord
of Leix and
Offaly and the jubilee mayor
of
Drogheda,
Elcock,
(the two scatterguns being
Michael M. Manning,
protosyndic of
Waterford and an Italian
excellency named
Giubilei according to
a later version cited by the learned
scholarch Canavan of
Can-
makenoise), in either case a
triptychal religious family symbolising
puritas of
doctrina,
business per usuals and the
purchypatch of
hamlock where the
paddish
preties grow and remarked
dilsydul-
sily: Holybones of
Saint Hubert how our
red brother of
Pour-
ingrainia would audibly
fume did he know that we have for sur-
trusty bailiwick a
turnpiker who is
by turns a pikebailer no sel-
domer than an earwigger! For he kinned
Jom Pill with his court
so gray and his haunts in his house
in the mourning. (One still
hears that pebble crusted
laughta, japijap cheerycherrily,
among
the roadside tree the lady
Holmpatrick planted and still
one feels
the amossive silence of the
cladstone allegibelling: Ive mies outs
ide Bourn.)
Comes the question are these the facts of his
nom-
inigentilisation as recorded and
accolated in both or either of the
collateral
andrewpaulmurphyc
narratives. Are those their
fata
which we read in sibylline
between the fas and its
nefas? No dung
on the road? And shall
Nohomiah be our place like? Yea,
Mulachy
our kingable khan? We shall perhaps
not so soon see. Pinck
poncks that bail for
seeks alicence
where
cumsceptres with
scen-
taurs stay. Bear in mind, son of
Hokmah, if so be you have
me-
theg in your midness, this man is
mountain and unto changeth
doth one ascend.
Heave we aside the fallacy,
as punical as
finikin,
that it was not the king kingself
but his inseparable sisters, un-
controllable nighttalkers, Skertsiraizde with Donyahzade, who
afterwards, when the robberers shot up the socialights, came down
into the world as amusers and were
staged by Madame
Sudlow
as Rosa and Lily Miskinguette
in the pantalime that two
pitts
paythronosed,
Miliodorus and
Galathee. The great fact emerges
that after that historic date all
holographs so far exhumed ini-
tialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla
H.C.E. and while he was
only and long and always good Dook
Umphrey for the hunger-
lean spalpeens of
Lucalizod and
Chimbers to his cronies it was
equally certainly a pleasant turn of the
populace which gave him
as sense of those normative
letters the nickname Here Comes
Everybody. An imposing everybody he always indeed looked,
constantly the same as and equal to himself and
magnificently well
worthy of any and all such universalisation, every time he con-
tinually surveyed, amid
vociferatings from in front of Accept these
few nutties! and Take off that
white hat!, relieved
with Stop his Grog
and Put It in the Log and
Loots in his (bassvoco)
Boots, from good
start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered
together
in that king's treat house of
satin alustrelike above
floats and foot-
lights from their assbawlveldts and
oxgangs unanimously to
clap-
plaud (the inspiration of his lifetime and the hits of their
careers)
Mr Wallenstein Washington Semperkelly's
immergreen tourers
in a command performance by
special request with the courteous
permission for pious purposes the homedromed and enliventh
performance of problem passion play of the
millentury, running
strong since creation, A Royal Divorce, then near the
approach
towards the summit of its climax, with
ambitious interval band
selections from The Bo' Girl
and The
Lily on all
horserie show
command nights from his
viceregal booth (his
bossaloner is
ceil-
inged there a
cuckoospit less eminent than the
redritualhoods of
Maccabe and Cullen) where, a
veritable Napoleon the Nth, our
worldstage's practical jokepiece and
retired cecelticocommediant
in his own wise, this folksforefather
all of the time sat, having the
entirety of his house about him, with the
invariable broadstretched
kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape
and shoulderblades and in
a wardrobe
panelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt
well entitled a swallowall, on every point far
outstarching the
laundered
clawhammers and marbletopped
highboys of the pit
stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece
was this: look at the lamps.
The cast was thus: see under the
clock. Ladies circle: cloaks may
be left. Pit, prommer and parterre,
standing room only.
Habituels
conspicuously
emergent.
A baser meaning has
been
read into these characters the
literal
sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been
blur-
tingly bruited by certain
wisecrackers (the stinks of
Mohorat are
in the nightplots of the morning),
that he suffered from a vile
disease. Athma,
unmanner them! To such a suggestion the one
selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements
which ought not to be, and one should like to hope to be able to
add, ought not to be allowed to be
made. Nor have his detractors,
who, an imperfectly
warmblooded race, apparently conceive him
as a great white caterpillar
capable of any and every enormity
in
the calendar recorded to the
discredit of the Juke and
Kellikek
families, mended their case by
insinuating that,
alternately, he
lay
at one time under the ludicrous
imputation of annoying Welsh
fusiliers in the
people's park. Hay, hay, hay! Hoq, hoq, hoq!
Faun and Flora on the lea love that
little old joq. To anyone who
knew and loved the
christlikeness of the big cleanminded giant
H. C. Earwicker throughout
his excellency long
vicefreegal exis-
tence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth
nosing for trou-
ble in a boobytrap rings
particularly preposterous.
Truth, beard
on prophet, compels one to add that there is said to have been
quondam (pfuit!
pfuit!) some case of the kind implicating, it is
interdum believed, a
quidam (if he did not exist it would be ne-
cessary quoniam to invent him)
abhout that time stambuling
ha-
round Dumbaling in
leaky
sneakers with his
tarrk record who
has remained topantically
anonymos but (let us hue him
Abdul-
lah Gamellaxarksky) was, it is
stated, posted at
Mallon's at the
instance of
watch warriors of the
vigilance committee and years
afterwards, cries one even greater, Ibid,
a commender of the
frightful, seemingly, unto such as were
sulhan sated,
tropped head
(pfiat! pfiat!) waiting his first of
the month froods turn for
thatt chopp pah kabbakks
alicubi on the
old house for the
charge-
hard, Roche Haddocks off Hawkins
Street. Lowe, you blondy
liar, Gob scene you in the
narked place and she what's edith ar
home defileth these
boyles!
There's a cabful of
bash indeed in
the homeur of that meal.
Slander, let it lie its flattest,
has never
been able to convict our good and great and no ordinary
Southron
Earwicker, that homogenius
man, as a pious author called him, of
any graver
impropriety than that, advanced by some
woodwards
or regarders, who did not dare
deny, the shomers, that they had,
chin Ted, chin Tam,
chinchin Taffyd, that day consumed their
soul of the corn, of having
behaved with ongentilmensky
im-
modus opposite a pair of dainty
maidservants in the swoolth of
the rushy
hollow whither, or so the two
gown and pinners plead-
ed, dame nature in all innocency
had spontaneously and about the
same hour of the eventide sent
them both but whose published
combinations of silkinlaine
testimonies are, where not dubiously
pure, visibly divergent, as wapt
from
wept, on minor points touch-
ing the intimate nature of this, a first offence in
vert or
venison
which was admittedly an incautious
but, at its wildest, a partial ex-
posure with such attenuating
circumstances (garthen
gaddeth green
hwere
sokeman
brideth girling) as an abnormal
Saint Swithin's
summer and, (Jesses
Rosasharon!) a ripe occasion to provoke it.
We can't do without them. Wives, rush to the
restyours! Of-
man will toman while
led is the lol.
Zessid's our
kadem, villa-
pleach, vollapluck.
Fikup, for
flesh nelly, el
mundo nov, zole
flen!
If she's a lilyth,
pull early!
Pauline, allow! And
malers
abushed,
keep black, keep black! Guiltless of
much laid to him he was
clearly for once at least he clearly expressed himself as being with
still a trace of his erstwhile
burr and hence it has been received of
us that it is true. They
tell the story (an amalgam as
absorbing as
calzium chloereydes and
hydrophobe sponges could make
it) how
one happygogusty
Ides-of-April morning (the
anniversary, as it
fell out, of his first assumption
of his
mirthday suit and rights in
appurtenance to the
confusioning of human races)
ages and ages
after the alleged misdemeanour
when the
tried friend of all crea-
tion, tigerwood roadstaff
to his stay, was
billowing across the
wide expanse of our greatest park
in his caoutchouc
kepi and
great belt and hideinsacks and his
blaufunx fustian and
ironsides
jackboots and
Bhagafat gaiters and his
rubberised inverness, he
met a cad with a pipe. The latter,
the luciferant not the
oriuolate
(who, the odds are, is still
berting dagabout in the same straw
bamer, carryin his
overgoat under his schulder,
sheepside out, so
as to look more like a coumfry
gentleman and
signing the pledge
as gaily as you please) hardily
accosted him with: Guinness thaw
tool in jew me dinner ouzel fin? (a nice how-do-you-do in
Pool-
black at the time as some of our
olddaisers may still
tremblingly
recall) to ask could he tell him how much a clock it was that the
clock struck had he any idea by cock's luck as his watch was
bradys.
Hesitency was clearly to be
evitated. Execration as
cleverly
to be honnisoid. The Earwicker of
that spurring instant, realising
on fundamental liberal principles the supreme importance,
nexally
and noxally, of physical life
(the nearest help relay being pingping
K. O.
Sempatrick's Day and the fenian rising) and unwishful as
he felt of being hurled into eternity right then,
plugged by a soft-
nosed bullet from the sap, halted,
quick on the draw, and reply-
in that he was feelin tipstaff,
cue, prodooced from his
gunpocket
his Jurgensen's
shrapnel waterbury, ours by
communionism, his
by usucapture, but, on the
same stroke, hearing above the skirl-
ing of harsh Mother East old
Fox Goodman, the bellmaster,
over
the wastes to south, at work upon the ten
ton
tonuant
thunder-
ous tenor toller in the speckled
church (Couhounin's call!) told
the inquiring kidder, by
Jehova, it was twelve of em
sidereal and
tankard time, adding,
buttall, as he bended deeply with smoked
sardinish breath to give more pondus
to the
copperstick he pre-
sented (though this seems in some
cumfusium with the
chap-
stuck
ginger which, as being of sours, acids, salts, sweets and
bitters compompounded, we know him to have used as
chaw-
chaw for bone, muscle, blood, flesh and
vimvital,) that where-
as the hakusay accusation againstm
had been made, what was
known in high quarters as was
stood stated in
Morganspost, by
a creature in youman form who was
quite beneath parr and seve-
ral degrees lower than yore
triplehydrad snake. In greater sup-
port of his word (it, quaint
anticipation of a famous phrase, has
been reconstricted out of
oral style into the verbal for all time
with ritual rhythmics, in quiritary
quietude, and
toosammen-
stucked from successive accounts by
Noah Webster in the
re-
daction known as the Sayings
Attributive of H. C. Earwicker,
prize on schillings, postlots
free), the flaxen
Gygas tapped his
chronometrum
drumdrum and, now
standing full erect, above
the ambijacent
floodplain, scene of its happening, with one Ber-
lin gauntlet
chopstuck in the
hough of his ellboge (by
ancientest
signlore his gesture meaning:
 !) pointed at an angle of thirty-
two degrees towards his duc de Fer's
overgrown
milestone as
fellow to his gage and after a
rendypresent pause averred with
solemn emotion's fire: Shsh shake,
co-comeraid! Me only, them
five ones, he is equal
combat. I have won straight. Hence my
nonation wide hotel and
creamery establishments which for the
honours of our mewmew mutual daughters,
credit me, I am woo-
woo willing to take my stand, sir,
upon the monument, that sign
of our ruru redemption, any
hygienic day to this hour and to
make my hoath to my
sinnfinners, even if I get life for
it, upon
the Open Bible and before the Great
Taskmaster's (I lift my hat!)
and in the presence of the Deity Itself andwell of Bishop and
Mrs Michan of High Church of
England as of all such of said
my immediate withdwellers and
of every living sohole in every
corner wheresoever of this
globe in general which useth of my
British to my backbone tongue
and
commutative justice that
there is not one tittle of truth,
allow me to tell you, in that purest
of fibfib fabrications.
Gaping Gill, swift to
mate errthors,
stern to
checkself, (diag-
nosing through eustacetube
that it was to make with a markedly
postpuberal
hypertituitary type of
Heidelberg mannleich cavern
ethics) lufted his
slopingforward, bad Sweatagore
good mur-
rough and dublnotch on to it as he was
greedly obliged, and
like a sensible ham, with infinite tact
in the delicate situation seen
the touchy nature of its perilous
theme, thanked um for
guilders
received and time of day (not a little
token abock
all the same that
that was owl the God's clock it was) and, upon humble duty to
greet his Tyskminister and he shall
gildthegap Gaper and thee his
a
mouldy voids, went about his business,
whoever it was, saluting
corpses, as a metter of
corse (one could hound him out had
one
hart to for the
monticules of scalp and dandruff
droppings
blaze
his trail) accompanied by his
trusty snorler and his permanent
reflection, verbigracious; I have
met with you, bird, too late,
or if not, too
worm and early: and with
tag for ildiot repeated
in his secondmouth language as many of the
bigtimer's
verbaten
words which he could balbly call to memory that same
kveldeve,
ere the hour of the twattering of
bards in the
twitterlitter
between
Druidia and the Deepsleep Sea, when
suppertide and souvenir to
Charlatan
Mall jointly kem gently and along
the quiet darkenings
of Grand and Royal, ff, flitmansfluh,
and, kk, 't crept i' hedge
whenas to many a softongue's
pawkytalk mude unswer u sufter
poghyogh,
Arvanda always aquiassent,
while, studying castelles
in the
blowne and
studding
cowshots over the noran, he
spat in
careful convertedness a
musaic dispensation about his
hearthstone,
if you please, (Irish saliva,
mawshe dho hole, but would a respect-
able prominently connected fellow of Iro-European
ascendances
with welldressed ideas who knew the correct thing such as Mr
Shallwesigh or Mr Shallwelaugh
expectorate after such a callous
fashion, no thank yous! when he had his
belcher
spuckertuck in his
pucket, pthuck?)
musefed with his thockits after
having supped
of the dish sot and
pottage which he snobbishly dabbed
Peach
Bombay (it is rawly only
Lukanpukan pilzenpie which she knows
which senaffed and
pibered him), a supreme of
excelling peas,
balled under
minnshogue's milk into whitemalt
winesour, a pro-
viant the littlebilker
hoarsely
relished,
chaff it, in the snevel season,
being as fain o't as your rat wi'fennel;
and on this celebrating
occasion of the happy escape,
for a crowning of
pot valiance,
this regional platter,
benjamin of bouillis, with a
spolish olive to
middlepoint its zaynith, was marrying
itself (porkograso!)
ere-
busqued very deluxiously with a bottle
of
Phenice-Bruerie '98,
followed for second nuptials by a
Piessporter,
Grand Cur, of
both of which cherished tablelights (though
humble the bounquet
'tis a leaman's farewell) he
obdurately sniffed the cobwebcrusted
corks.
Our cad's bit of
strife (knee
Bareniece Maxwelton) with a
quick
ear for spittoons (as the
aftertale hath it)
glaned up as usual with
dumbestic
husbandry (no persicks and
armelians for thee,
Pome-
ranzia!) but, slipping the
clav in her
claw, broke of the matter
among a hundred and eleven others in her usual
curtsey (how
faint these first vhespers womanly
are, a
secret
pispigliando,
amad
the lavurdy den of their
manfolker!) the next night nudge one
as was Hegesippus over a
hup a ' chee, her eys dry and small and
speech thicklish because he appeared
a funny colour like he
couldn't stood they old hens no longer,
to her particular reverend,
the director, whom she had been meaning in her mind primarily
to speak with (hosch,
intra!
jist a
timblespoon!) trusting, between
cuppled lips and annie
lawrie promises (mighshe never have
Esnekerry pudden
come Hunanov for her
pecklapitschens!) that
the gossiple so delivered in his
epistolear, buried
teatoastally in
their Irish stew would go no further than his jesuit's cloth, yet
(in vinars venitas!
volatiles
valetotum!) it was this overspoiled
priest Mr
Browne, disguised as a
vincentian, who, when seized
of the facts, was overheard, in his
secondary personality as a
Nolan and underreared, poul soul, by
accident ― if, that is, the
incident it was an accident for here the
ruah of Ecclectiastes
of Hippo
outpuffs the writress of
Havvah-ban-Annah ― to
pianissime a slightly
varied version of Crookedribs
confidentials,
(what Mere Aloyse said but for
Jesuphine's sake!) hands
between
hahands, in fealty sworn (my
bravor best! my fraur!) and, to the
strains of The Secret of Her Birth,
hushly pierce the rubiend
aurellum of one
Philly Thurnston, a layteacher of
rural science
and orthophonethics of a
nearstout figure and about the middle
of his forties during a priestly
flutter for safe and
sane bets at the
hippic runfields of
breezy
Baldoyle on a date (W. W.
goes
through the card) easily capable of rememberance by all
pickers-
up of events national and Dublin details,
the doubles of Perkin
and Paullock, peer and
prole, when the classic Encourage
Hackney
Plate was captured by two noses in a
stablecloth finish,
ek and nek,
some and none, evelo nevelo, from the
cream colt Bold Boy
Cromwell after a clever getaway by
Captain Chaplain Blount's
roe hinny
Saint Dalough,
Drummer Coxon,
nondepict third, at
breakneck
odds, thanks to you great little, bonny
little, portey
little, Winny
Widger! you're all their nappies! who
in his
never-
rip mud and purpular cap was surely leagues unlike any other
phantomweight that ever
toppitt our timber
maggies.
'Twas two pisononse
Timcoves (the wetter is pest, the
renns are
overt and come and the
voax of the
turfur is hurled on our lande)
of the name of Treacle Tom as was
just out of
pop following the
theft of a leg of
Kehoe, Donnelly and Packenham's
Finnish
pork
and his own blood and milk brother Frisky
Shorty, (he was, to be
exquisitely punctilious about
them, both shorty and frisky) a tip-
ster, come off the
hulks, both of them awful poor, what was out
on the bumaround for an
oofbird game for a jimmy o'goblin or
a small thick un as chanced, while the
Seaforths was making the
colleenbawl, to ear the
passon in the motor clobber make
use of
his law language (Edzo,
Edzo on), touchin the case of Mr Adams
what was in all the sundays about it
which he was
rubbing noses
with and having a gurgle off his own
along of the
butty bloke in
the specs.
This Treacle Tom to
whom reference has been made had
been absent from his usual wild and woolly
haunts in the land
of counties capalleens for some time
previous to that (he was, in
fact, in the habit of frequenting common
lodginghouses where
he slept in a nude state, hailfellow with
meth, in strange men's
cots) but on racenight,
blotto after divers
tots of
hell fire, red
biddy, bull dog,
blue ruin and creeping jenny,
Eglandine's choic-
est herbage, supplied by the Duck and
Doggies, the Galop-
ping Primrose,
Brigid Brewster's,
the Cock, the Postboy's Horn,
the Little Old Man's and All
Swell That Aimswell, the Cup and
the Stirrup, he sought his
wellwarmed
leababobed in a
hous-
ingroom Abide With Oneanother at
Block W.W., (why didn't
he back it?)
Pump Court, The
Liberties, and,
what with
moltapuke on
voltapuke, resnored alcoh alcoho
alcoherently to
the burden of I come, my horse
delayed, nom
num, the sub-
stance of the tale of the evangelical
bussybozzy and the rusinur-
bean (the 'girls' he would keep calling them for the
collarette
and skirt, the sunbonnet and
carnation) in parts (it seemed he
was before the eyots of
martas or
otherwales the thirds of
fossil-
years, he having beham with
katya when lavinias had her
mens
lease to sea in a psumpship
doodly show whereat he was looking
for fight niggers with
whilde roarses)
oft in the chilly night (the
metagonistic! the
epickthalamorous!) during uneasy slumber in
their hearings of a small and
stonybroke
cashdraper's
executive,
Peter Cloran (discharged),
O'Mara, an exprivate secretary of no
fixed abode (locally known as
Mildew Lisa), who had passed
several nights, funnish enough, in a
doorway under the blankets
of homelessness on the bunk of
iceland, pillowed upon the stone
of destiny colder than man's knee or woman's breast, and
Hosty, (no
slouch of a name), an illstarred
beachbusker, who,
sans
rootie and sans scrapie,
suspicioning as how he was setting
on a twoodstool on the verge of
selfabyss,
most starved, with
melancholia over everything in general, (night
birman, you served
him with natigal's
nano!) had been
towhead tossing on his
shake-
down, devising ways and manners of means,
of what he loved
to ifidalicence somehow or other in the
nation getting a hold of
some chap's parabellum in the
hope of taking a wing
sociable
and lighting upon a
sidewheel dive somewhere off the Dullkey
Downlairy and
Bleakrooky tramaline where he
could
throw true
and go and blow the sibicidal
napper off himself for
two bits to
boldywell baltitude in the peace
and quitybus of a one sure shot
bottle, he after having being trying all he knew with the lady's
help of Madam Gristle for upwards
of eighteen calanders to get
out of Sir Patrick Dun's, through
Sir Humphrey Jervis's and
into the Saint Kevin's bed in the
Adelaide's hosspittles (from
these
incurable
welleslays among those uncarable
wellasdays
through Sant Iago by his cocklehat,
good Lazar, deliver us!)
without after having been able to jerrywangle
it anysides.
Lisa
O'Deavis and Roche
Mongan (who had so much
incommon,
epipsychidically; if the phrase be
permitted
hostis et odor insuper
petroperfractus) as an understood thing slept their sleep of the
swimborne in the one sweet
undulant mother of tumblerbunks
with Hosty just how the shavers in the
shaw the yokels in the
yoats or, well, the
wasters in the
wilde, and the
bustling tweeny-
dawn-of-all-works (meed
of anthems here we pant!) had not been
many jiffies
furbishing
potlids, doorbrasses,
scholars' applecheeks
and linkboy's metals when,
ashhopperminded like no fella he go
make bakenbeggfuss
longa white man, the rejuvenated
busker (for
after a goodnight's rave and
rumble and a shinkhams topmorning
with his coexes he was not the same man) and his
broadawake
bedroom suite (our boys, as our Byron
called them) were up
and ashuffle from the hogshome they
lovenaned
The Barrel,
cross
Ebblinn's
chilled hamlet (thrie
routes and
restings on their then
superficies curiously
correspondant with those linea and
puncta
where our tubenny
habenny metro
maniplumbs below the ober-
flake underrails and stations at this time of
riding) to the
thrum-
mings of a crewth
fiddle which, cremoaning and
cronauning, levey
grevey, witty and wevey, appy,
leppy and playable, caressed the
ears of the subjects of King Saint
Finnerty the Festive who, in
brick homes of their own and in their
flavory fraiseberry beds,
heeding hardly cry of honeyman,
soed
lavender or foyneboyne
salmon alive, with their priggish
mouths all open for the larger
appraisiation of this longawaited
Messiagh of roaratorios, were
only halfpast atsweeeep and after a
brisk pause at a pawnbroking
establishment for the prothetic
purpose of redeeming the
song-
ster's truly admirable false teeth and a prolonged visit to a
house
of call at Cujas Place,
fizz, the Old Sots' Hole in the parish
of
Saint Cecily within the
liberty of
Ceolmore not a thousand or one
national leagues, that was, by
Griffith's valuation, from the site
of the statue of Primewer
Glasstone setting a match to the
march
of a maker (last of the stewards
peut-être), where, the tale rambles
along, the trio of whackfolthediddlers
was joined by a further ―
intentions ― apply ― tomorrow casual
and a
decent sort of the
hadbeen variety who had just been
touching the weekly insult,
phewit, and all
figblabbers (who saith of noun?) had
stimulants
in the shape of gee and gees
stood by the damn decent sort after
which stag
luncheon and a few ones more just to celebrate yester-
day, flushed with their firestufffostered
friendship, the rascals came
out of the licensed premises,
(Browne's first, the small p.s. ex-ex-
executive
capahand in their sad
rear like a lady's postscript: I want
money. Pleasend), wiping their
laughleaking lipes on their sleeves,
how the bouckaleens shout their
roscan generally (seinn
fion,
seinn fion's araun.) and the rhymers'
world was with reason the
richer for a wouldbe ballad, to the
balledder of which the world
of cumannity singing owes a tribute
for having placed on the
planet's melomap his
lay of the vilest bogeyer but most
attrac-
tionable avatar the world has ever had
to explain for.
This, more krectly
lubeen or fellow―me―lieder was first
poured forth where Riau Liviau
riots and col de Houdo
humps,
under the shadow of the monument of the shouldhavebeen
legis-
lator (Eleutheriodendron! Spare,
woodmann, spare!) to an
over-
flow meeting of all the nations in Lenster
fullyfilling the visional
area and, as a singleminded
supercrowd, easily representative,
what with masks, whet with faces, of all
sections and
cross sections
(wineshop and cocoahouse poured out to
brim up the broaching)
of our liffeyside people (to omit
to mention of the mainland mino-
rity and such as had wayfared via
Watling, Ernin, Icknild and
Stane, in
chief a halted
cockney car with its
quotal of Hardmuth's
hacks, a
northern tory, a southern whig, an eastanglian
chroni-
cler and a landwester guardian)
ranging from slips of young
dublinos from Cutpurse Row having
nothing better to do than
walk about with their hands in their kneepants, sucking air-
whackers, weedulicet,
jumbobricks, side by side with
truant
officers, three woollen balls and
poplin in search of a croust of
pawn to busy professional gentlemen, a
brace of palesmen with
dundrearies,
nooning toward Daly's, fresh from
snipehitting and
mallardmissing on Rutland
heath, exchanging cold sneers, mass-
going ladies from Hume Street in
their chairs, the
bearers baited,
some wandering
hamalags out of the adjacent cloverfields of
Mosse's Gardens, an oblate fater from
Skinner's Alley, brick-
layers, a
fleming, in tabinet
fumant, with spouse and dog, an aged
hammersmith
who had some chisellers by the
hand, a bout of
cudgel players, not a few sheep with the
braxy, two bluecoat
scholars, four
broke
gents out of
Simpson's
on the Rocks, a
portly and a
pert still tassing Turkey Coffee and
orange shrub in
tickeyes door,
Peter Pim and
Paul Fry and then Elliot and, O,
Atkinson, suffering
hell's delights from the
blains of their annui-
tant's
acorns not forgetting a deuce of
dianas
ridy for the hunt, a
particularist
prebendary pondering on the
roman easter, the ton-
sure question and greek
uniates, plunk em, a lace
lappet head or
two or three or four from a
window, and so on down to a few good
old souls, who, as they were
juiced after
taking their pledge over at
the
unkle's place, were evidently under the spell of liquor, from the
wake of
Tarry the Tailor a fair girl, a jolly postboy thinking off
three
flagons and one, a plumodrole, a
half sir from the weaver's
almshouse who clings and clings
and chatchatchat clings to her, a
wholedam's
cloudhued pittycoat, as child, as
curiolater, as
Caoch
O'Leary. The
wararrow went round, so it did, (a nation wants
a
gaze) and the ballad, in the felibrine
trancoped
metre
affectioned
by
Taiocebo in his
Casudas de Poulichinello Artahut,
stump-
stampaded on to a slip of
blancovide and headed by an
excessively
rough and red woodcut, privately
printed at the rimepress of
Delville, soon fluttered its secret on white highway and brown
byway to the
rose of the winds and the blew of the
gaels, from
archway to
lattice and from
black hand to pink ear, village crying
to village, through the
five pussyfours green of the united states
of
Scotia
Picta ― and he who denies it, may his
hairs be rubbed
in dirt! To the added
strains (so peacifold) of his
majesty the
floote, that
onecrooned king of
inscrewments, Piggots's purest,
ciello
alsoliuto,
which Mr
Delaney (Mr Delacey?), horn,
anticipating
a perfect
downpour of plaudits among the
rapsods,
piped
out of his decentsoort hat, looking
still more like his purseyful
namesake as men of Gaul noted,
but before of to sputabout, the
snowycrested curlamoist the leader's wild and
moulting hair,
'Ductor'
Hitchcock hoisted his fezzy
fuzz at bludgeon's height
signum to his companions of the
chalice for the
Loud Fellow,
boys' and
silentium in curia! (our maypole
once more where he rose
of old) and the
canto was chantied there chorussed
and christened
where by the old
tollgate, Saint Annona's Street and
Church.
And aroud the
lawn the rann it
rann and this is the rann that
Hosty made. Spoken.
Boyles and
Cahills, Skerretts and Pritchards,
viersefied and piersified may the
treeth we tale of live in stoney.
Here line the
refrains of. Some vote him
Vike, some
mote him
Mike, some
dub him Llyn and
Phin while others hail him
Lug
Bug
Dan Lop, Lex,
Lax, Gunne
or
Guinn. Some
apt him Arth,
some bapt him
Barth,
Coll, Noll, Soll, Will, Weel, Wall but
I
parse him
Persse
O'Reilly else he's called no name at all. To-
gether.
Arrah, leave it to Hosty, frosty
Hosty, leave it to Hosty
for he's the mann to rhyme the
rann, the rann, the rann, the king
of all ranns. Have you here?
(Some ha) Have we where? (Some
hant) Have you hered? (Others do)
Have we whered (Others dont)
It's cumming, it's
brumming! The clip, the clop! (All
cla)
Glass
crash. The (klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrotty-
graddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!).
-
-
Have you heard of one
Humpty Dumpty
How he fell with a roll and a rumble
And curled up like Lord
Olofa
Crumple
By the butt of the Magazine Wall,
(Chorus) Of the Magazine Wall,
Hump, helmet and all?
He was one time our King of the
Castle
Now he's kicked about like a rotten old
parsnip.
And from Green street he'll be sent by
order of His Worship
To the penal jail of Mountjoy
(Chorus)
To the jail of Mountjoy!
Jail him and joy
He was fafafather of all schemes
for to bother us
Slow coaches and immaculate contraceptives
for the populace,
Mare's milk for the sick, seven dry Sundays a week,
Openair love and religion's reform,
(Chorus) And religious reform,
Hideous in form.
Arrah, why, says you, couldn't he
manage it?
I'll go bail, my fine
dairyman darling,
Like the bumping bull of the Cassidys
All your butter is in your horns.
(Chorus) His butter is in his horns.
Butter his horns!
(Repeat) Hurrah there, Hosty,
frosty Hosty, change that shirt
[on ye,
Rhyme the rann, the king of all ranns!
Balbaccio, balbuccio!
We had chaw chaw chops, chairs, chewing
gum, the
chicken-
[pox and china chambers
Universally provided by this soffsoaping
salesman.
Small wonder He'll Cheat
E'erawan our local lads nicknamed him
When Chimpden first took the floor
(Chorus) With his
bucketshop store
Down Bargainweg, Lower.
So snug he was in his hotel
premises sumptuous
But soon we'll bonfire all his
trash, tricks and trumpery
And'tis short till sheriff
Clancy'll be
winding up his
unlimited
[company
With the bailiff's bom at the door,
(Chorus) Bimbam at the door.
Then he'll bum no more.
Sweet bad luck on the waves
washed to our island
The hooker of that
hammerfast viking
And Gall's curse on the day when Eblana
bay
Saw his black and tan man-o'-war.
(Chorus) Saw his man-o'-war.
On the harbour bar.
Where from? roars
Poolbeg. Cookingha'pence, he
bawls Donnez-
[moi scampitle, wick an wipin'fampiny
Fingal Mac
Oscar
Onesine
Bargearse
Boniface
Thok's min
gammelhole Norveegickers
moniker
Og as ay are at gammelhore
Norveegickers cod.
(Chorus) A Norwegian
camel old cod.
He is, begod.
Lift it, Hosty, lift it, ye
devil ye! up with the rann, the rhyming
[rann!
It was during some fresh water
garden pumping
Or, according to the Nursing Mirror, while admiring the
mon
[keys
That our heavyweight heathen
Humpharey
Made bold a maid to woo
(Chorus) Woohoo, what'll she doo!
The general lost her
maidenloo!
He ought to blush for
himself, the old hayheaded
philosopher,
For to go and shove himself that way on top of her.
Begob, he's the crux of the catalogue
Of our antediluvial zoo,
(Chorus) Messrs.
Billing and Coo.
Noah's larks, good as
noo.
He was
joulting by Wellinton's monument
Our rotorious
hippopopotamuns
When some bugger
let down the backtrap
of the omnibus
And he caught his death of fusiliers,
(Chorus) With his rent
in his rears.
Give him six years. 'Tis sore pity for his innocent
poor children
But look out for his missus
legitimate!
When that frew gets a grip of old
Earwicker
Won't there be earwigs on the green?
(Chorus) Big earwigs on the green,
The largest ever you seen. Suffoclose! Shikespower!
Seudodanto! Anonymoses! Then we'll have a
free trade Gaels' band and
mass meeting
For to sod the brave son of
Scandiknavery.
And we'll bury him down in Oxmanstown
Along with the devil and Danes,
(Chorus) With the deaf and dumb Danes,
And all their remains.
And not all the
king's men nor his horses
Will resurrect his
corpus
For there's no true spell in Connacht
or hell
(bis) That's able to
raise a Cain.
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