THE REVERED LETTER
Alone one cannot know who did it for the hand was fair. We can suppose it that of Shemus the penman, a village soak, who when snugly liquored lived, so...
Majesty well, Ive heard all those birds what theyre saying bringing it about him but and . . . welcome for they will come to no good. The Honourable Mr Earwicker, my devout husband, is a true gentleman which is what none of the sneakers ever was or will be because in the words of a royal poet such are born and not made and that he was and it was between Williamstown and the Ailesbury road on the long car I first saw the lovelight in his eye when he told me [to pardon [him]] his true opinion [but] that I had got a lovely face. [That day] I thought that I was on the top of the world back in paradise. Well, revered Majesty, I hereafter swear he never once sent out the swags with a drop in any them but the milk as it came from the cow like he did and all that is invented all pure made up by by a snake in the grass and his name is M'Grath Bros against that dear man, my honorary husband. If I were only to tell your revered all he that caffler said to me was it this time last year & I told Mrs. Gra Tom for his accomodation, McGrath Bros, I'm saying and his bacon not fit to look at never mind butter which is forbidden by the eight commandment you thou shalt not bear false witness against they neighbour wife. But I could read him. Aha, McGrath, the lies are out on him like freckles, when I think of what he had the face to say about my dearly respected husband, can I ever forget that. Never, so may God forgive McGrath Bros all his trespasses against the Hon Mr Earwicker. If I was only to For two straws I'd tell someone I know & they would make a corpse of him with the greatest of pleasure & not leave enough for the peelers to pick up.
There never was any girl in my house expecting trouble out of my noble husband, never, and I shall bring under your notice, Majesty, those two hussies neither of them was virtuous after the public doctor's declaration out of the lock and whereas the said Honourable Mr Earwicker has a very hairy chest a chest very hairy for it to be seen from a child which I am the privileged one to see and whereas he is pursuant to that very affectionate attentive for ladies' salesladies' society I will not have a reptile the like of McGrath Bros who thinks he's the big noise here to be spreading his dirty lies all round where we live as I simply agree to it, the obnoxious liar! I won't dream of a sausage of his not even for catsmeat & he was fired out of Clune's where he forgot he was a man [only a common] floorwalker for giving his guff.
I've heard it stated about the military but, did space permit, it is my belief I could show it was the wish of his mind to cure the King's evil and I hereinafter swear by your revered majesty that he gave me the price of a new bulletproof dress with angel sleeves and said in my presence that: As there is a God of all things my mind is a complete blank.
Well, revered Majesty, I tender my heartest thanks & regrets for lettering you and I shall now close hoping you are in the best of health. I don't care that for him and lies about an experience of mine as a girl with a clerical friend. Ask him what about his wife and Mr John Brophy & Son, the kissing solicitor which is enjoying the attention of private dectectives. I only wish he wd look in through the his letterbox some day. What ho, she bumps. He wd not say that was a solicitor's business. He wd be surprised to see her & Mr Brophy quite effectionate together kissing & looking into a mirror.
So much for the lies sneakery that I was treated not very grand by thicks off Bully's acre. If any of Sully's Mister M'Grath's thick goes to pull a gun on me, worse for him he'll know better manners. I will complain on them to policesergeant Laracy [at the corner of Buttermilk lane] & he I will have his head well [& lawfully] broken by a Norwegian who has been expelled from christianity. I am perfectly proud of Mr Earwicker, my once handsome husband; who is as gentle as a woman & more attractable [& he never chained me to a chair since this island was born. [I can show anyone the bag of cakes given to me by Mr Earwicker for our last wedding day. Thank you, beloved, for your beautiful parcel. You are always the gentleman.]] I tell sneakers and Mr Gainsayer McGrath creeping Christy, back & streaky, ninepence.
Hoping [the clouds will soon dissipate] you will enjoy perusal and completely
"Her Mark & Seal Dame Lara Prudence Earwicker (valued wife of . . . )."
P.S. This will put the tin hat on McGrath